my phone needs a breathalizer
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize