worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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