When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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