the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
