i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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