Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize