good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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