census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
