sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
