Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
