he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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