Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my phone needs a breathalizer
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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