she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
