On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
