i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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