dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he thought i was a dude.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
And then he peed in my hair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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