She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Ketchup is God's man juice
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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