found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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