Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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