I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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