I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize