i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
