Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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