Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
