Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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