i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
