before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Even my vagina gasped.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
