1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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