i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
