the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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