You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
