i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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