Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
