I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
