I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
