i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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