Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
