She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
