i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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