I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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