She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i came on her dog
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
