Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He better not be in your backpack
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
