I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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