i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
