i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
