just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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