Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
