yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
