i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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