Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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