Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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