just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
