you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
