there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Come on in and take your pants off
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