My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
