How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
